I've had insomnia since I was a kid. Back then I used to stay awake for most of the night rehashing arguments that happened that day or creating little dramas in my head. It always frustrated me that I always could come up with such a witty retort to some affront in the protection of my bed...
So I have had a lifetime of poor sleep. And man when you don't sleep the world is a different place. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just turn it off, my brain that is. After I got married (at the ripe old age of twenty) I discovered how easily my husband could fall asleep- how he could simply press a button and be out like a light. How is that possible? How does he do it? Doesn't he have things, worries in there nagging to be resolved? How can one simply lay their head down, close their eyes and sleep?
It's not as if I am a worrier. I'd like to believe it's just my creative nature. I do have a tendency to think catastrophically. I create the worse case scenario in my head, creating dialogue and drama until my heart is pounding out of my chest, but I do this all the time, (I like to believe that if I think it, it couldn't possibly happen) that's not crazy right? Well maybe a little, huh?
For the last 5 years I have slept. I have slept and it has been wonderful. It is amazing how 7 or 8 hours of sleep (I won't say uninterrupted, I am a mother after all) can change so many things. Depression. Gone. A need for anti-depressants. Gone.
For the last 5 years I've slept. Until now. It's been 12 days without medication. 12 days of very little sleep. 12 days that that little girl in my head continues to whisper her story to me. And I have to listen.