Wednesday, September 12, 2012

In the Middle?

I turned 41 yesterday.
This was not an easy thing. When I was a kid I couldn't even imagine being 41, and yet here I am. It's not that I have an issue with aging, I mean it's inevitable and I know that. But, it just seems to be going by so fast, my life. Zooming by at warp speed leaving me reeling, trying to catch my breath.

My kids are growing up so fast, becoming their own people, creating their own lives.

And don't get me wrong, I am going to fight the aging process as much as I can. And exercise, I will continue to exercise. But the things I can't control, like the way my skin is just a little looser, a little softer-- these are reminders when I look in the mirror that my life is quickly winding down the back side of the mountain.

When I was misdiagnosed with Lupus I was focused on gaining as much information as I could.  I wanted to know everything. I was a frazzled, freaked out, angry, scared.  But when I was undiagnosed, that was when it really hit home, my mortality. It could really sink in. I wasn't going to die from this horrible disease... but I was going to die.

I don't mean to be morose. Quite the opposite. I want to focus on the positive, the love, joy, and excitement of my future old self.

When we first moved here to Oahu there was an older woman walking on the beach in Waikiki.  She was confidently walking along the beach in her swimsuit, tan, fit, long hair blowing in the wind, casually carrying her snorkel and fins in her hand. She was beautiful, but she was old. Chad turns to me and says, "That's you in a few years." Back then I was insulted and a little hurt. Is this how he sees me, I wondered?

But now I can see it too and I'm okay with it. My future old self will be just fine.

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